I'm sitting on a new (teal) couch in DC in lieu of my regular GG viewing party, determined to bring you just as excellent commentary as usual :) I didn't see half as many movies as I usually do around awards season, but hopefully it'll still be as fun and snarky, if not as informed!
We'll be starting the E! Red Carpet show in a few minutes, and I'll try to update/repost every 15 minutes or so! Stay tuned and enjoy!
5:50pm - From the couch: "I hate when the fashion people say 'Oh, she always looks so effortlessly beautiful.' They always look like it took tons of effort!" "Yeah, but not them. They put no effort in; their 5 stylists did."
5:58pm - Giuliana Rancic looks lovely in her high-collared Monique Collignon dress - double mastectomy be damned. Werk, girl.
6:01pm - Seacrest!Out! looks better with longer hair. Younger. Or maybe he just had another round of botox? Aaaaaand Ricky Gervais is wearing a maroon and black tuxedo. I don't hate it. I'm mostly excited for this year's round of insults from him! "I'm not gunning to ruin anybody's night," he says. Darn. In other news, I don't think I've ever seen his... wife? Who's with him?
6:04pm - First George Clooney sighting. Stacy Keebler, his leggy gf from Dancing With the Stars, is wearing red.
6:09pm - Giuliana's new number is less striking. Although it does open the conversation about implants? Discuss.
6:13pm - Chris Colfer!! Be my friend!! The back of Claire Danes' J Mendel dress is lovely, but from the couch: "Oh, put on a braaaa, Claire! At least a nipple guard..."
6:15pm - Piper Perabo is going to have a tough time fitting in a chair, wearing a poofy (ugly) sheer gray ballerina gown with ill-advised cutouts.
6:16pm - Aaaaand the dog from The Artist is wearing a bowtie and doing tricks on the red carpet. I'm in love.
6:23pm - Amanda Peet looks like a walking doily. Oof.
6:24pm - :::sigh::: Melissa McCarthy. You have the opportunity to represent for the big girls (especially now that JHud has left the club) and instead, you wear a forest green version of a burlap sack with some jewels at the neck. NOT a fan. Apparently it's Badgley Mishka - more like BAGlady Miss-ka.
6:25pm - Sarah Michelle Gellar is wearing a very pretty Monique Lhullier dress that her small child was allowed to draw all over. All jokes aside, I like it. :) From the couch: "It reminds me of that Mio water flavor stuff..." And she kept it simple with a ponytail up top.
6:28pm - Jessica Chastain's hair makes her look a little old. Wearing a form fitting pearl-studded white Givenchy gown, she cannot have eaten a thing today! Sheesh!
6:31pm - Sofia Vergara!!!! Dark navy mermaid Vera Wang gown, strapless, straight simple hair, gorgeous as always! The texture of her dress is varied and interesting and fits her slammin' body like a glove.
6:33pm - Shailene Woodley in sparkly, drapey Marchesa - a close look reveals an entirely sheer set of straps that hold up that delicate neckline.
6:34pm - Eric Stonestreet!!! I hope he wins. Mostly because if I could be a character on Modern Family, it would be Cam, so if he wins, it's as close as I'm ever going to get to winning a Golden Globe. Obvi.
6:37pm - Diane Lane in a liquid gold Reem Acra gown with soft curls and Josh Brolin.
6:40pm - Watching stars pose for the paparazzi and mags on the red carpet is actually kind of scary. They make the weirdest smile faces, and holding those poses for extended moments is a little wack.
6:42pm - Octavia Spencer doing better for the big girls (ahem, Melissa) in a lavendar, rouched Tadashi Shoji gown.
6:44pm - Freida Pinto herself is gorgeous, but I'm not the biggest fan of her teal, nubby, voluminous Prada.
6:48pm - Julie Bowen in a champagne Reem Acra looks very old Hollywood. "Tryin' to look like a girl," she says, while throwing mad biceps when Seacrest!Out! asks her to flex.
6:50pm - Rooney Mara in black (surprise) making the most of her very severe haircut. The gown is Nina Ricci, mermaid shaped with gauze and bands and very little room for oh, say, body fat. Anywhere. And Ryan Seacrest asks her about her nipple piercing. Classy, bud.
6:52pm - C'est si bon! We've seen this Grey Goose commercial 5 times already. We get it. They get to drink at the GGs.
6:55pm - The Deschanel sisters - Emily in navy draping and looking kinda matronly, and Zoey in custom-made neon-green-and-black Prada with matching clutch. My jury's still out on that one.
6:56pm - Lots of limo arrivals in quick succession - Charlize Theron in cream, Evan Rachel Wood with short sexy hair, and Jane Lynch in a simple black halter dress. Pretty pretty pretty!
6:58pm - YES! This is the star-quality I've been waiting for! Viola Davis looks STUNNING! Oh my gosh this is hands-down my favorite so far. A one-shouldered, chiffon-y, merlot number that looks absolutely perfect with a sexy slit and her sassy short hair! I love it. Show me more!!
7:00pm - Ohhh dear. Zoey's talking to Seacrest!Out! now and we now see that she has awful little sideburn type things in lieu of earrings! Wah wahhh. This dress is "not a winner." Sorry, Zo. Her nails, however, totally win - they're painted like they're wearing little tuxedos! Love it.
7:02pm - Brangelina has just arrived, and he has a mullet and a cane. Ohhh, the things you can do when you're rich and attractive. From the couch: "Why couldn't he have just shaved?"
7:05pm - Bérénice Bejo, from The Artist, reminds me why it's so much fun to invite French actors to awards shows. They're so much fun to listen to! She's gorgeous in a sweeping navy gown.
7:06pm - Whoah! Evan Rachel Wood's dress includes scales and feathers! She's a strange one, but rocking it.
7:11pm - Charlize Théron is so freaking pretty. And tall. A true spokeslady, she's wearing a light, creamy rose Dior couture gown with a deep V and hip bow, and her touch-of-laryngitis is working for her. Cause, you know, she needed a touch more sex appeal. She's wearing a sparkly headband that adds to her golden glow. See what I did there? Eh? Eh?
7:12pm - Kate Beckinsale in a sparkly, embroidered mermaid number. And Salma Hayek with very fertile-looking hair and a Vegas-y Gucci dress that highlights her fantastic cleavage.
7:15pm - Tilda! Tilda Swinton! All I could see as she got out of her limo was her hair, and she's channeling Robyn, so I'm a fan. Wonder if she'll wear her bedding this year?!
7:16pm - Heidi Klum, also in a light pink column gown, with massive turquoise jewelry. Seems that blush color, and mermaid hemlines, are the trend this year... along with overly active nipples. Huh.
7:18pm - Apparently Brad Pitt has a cane because he had a knee injury. I'm a jerk. Angie's in a pink and red gown that highlights her teeny waist and appears to be the cousin of Natalie Portman's GG dress from last year. One of the things I appreciate about her is her verrrry thinly veiled contempt for Seacrest!Out! I wonder from whence it stems - if it was a personal issue or just that he does very little to give back in the ways she seems to appreciate. He's effusive in his thanks to them for coming to speak to him; from the couch: "They're such big stars that he has to thank them!!!"
7:25pm - Reese in red Zac Posen! It's verrrrrrry tight and has a solid 2 inches of extra space where her boobs should be...
7:26pm - Michelle Williams in purple velvet cut-out Jason Wu and a cute headband in her pixie cut. The dress isn't my favorite, but she's one of those stars whose "thank you" seems genuine. I like her. Let's be friends!
7:29pm - Mila Kunis in black Dior. Kate Winslet in color-blocked black and white. Amber Riley rocking red! Natalie Portman in fuscia! Nicole Kidman in a gladiator/Cleopatra number! Paul Giamatti in a beard!
7:38pm - Diana Agron looks like a firebird in red laser-cut-outs. Lea Michele is also in cut-outs, but silver Marchesa this time. Her bronzer is poorly blended, tsk tsk.
7:40pm - Emma Stone in purple and fuscia Lanvin. She's another who seems fun and likable.
7:41pm - Madonna in silver and green Reem Acra with a massive cross around her neck. Guess we're over Kabbalah?
7:43pm - Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum wearing aslutty striking green scoop neck Maria Lucia Johan (?).
7:44pm - Jessica Beal in blush-colored lace, Jessica Alba in lavendar, Maya Rudolph in black - with pockets!
7:53pm - Jodie Foster in a teal structured strapless with some ruffles down the front - from the couch: "Ever since she supported Mel, I'm totally over her."
7:54pm - Elle McPherson looks beautiful in Zac Posen with a mane of blond hair - sadly sun-spotted skin, though :( Shame.
8:00pm - Ricky Gervais!!!! "Nervous? Don't be. This isn't about you." Love him.
8:03pm - Aww Meryl (I love you) is in a terrible shirt. :( From the couch: "Aww. She looks like a cowboy...lesbian." Slam to Eddie Murphy for turning down the Oscar hosting gig. Ricky apparently pronounces controversy as controversy. Riffs on Jodie Foster's Beaver (har har) and makes multiple Kim Kardashian jokes. So far he's definitely tamer this year...
8:11pm - Johnny Depp with a dangling pocket watch that he appears to be wearing like a chain wallet (oof) debuts a ridiculous accent a la Madonna pretending to be British. "Have you seen The Tourist yet?" asks Ricky. A trailer for Hugo plays. I'm still unclear as to why we need to see full trailers at all these awards shows - it wastes so much time!
8:13pm - Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis make a terrible joke and present Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama to Christopher Plummer for his role in Beginners. I typed that before they said it :) I love when I do that. "I must praise my distinguished competitors, for whom I have the deepest admiration." He also praises 'that wily Scot, Ewan "My heart's in the highlands" McGregor.' Ha! Aaaand this speech is going on really long... but he's also like, 90. I dare you to play the music for Captain von Trapp, seriously. From the couch: "He didn't even thank Julie Andrews!!!"
8:17pm - Ashton Kutcher and Elle McPherson present Best Actress in a TV Series - Comedy or Musical to Laura Dern for Enlightened. Wearing a bedazzled emerald long-sleeved sheath, she accepts in a plaintive, whiny voice. Shmeh.
8:21pm - Julianne Moore and Rob Lowe (looking extremely orange, yet with fabulous hair) introduce this year's Miss Golden Globe, Andie McDowell's daughter. They present Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Downton Abbey!!! Typed that ahead of time too - BAM. Julian Fellowes accepts in a very British way. Well played, my lord.
8:24pm - Julianne and Rob present Best Actress in a Mini Series or TV Movie to Kate Winslet for Mildred Pierce. She's always so out of breath by the time she gets to the stage! And honestly, she's Kate Winslet, it's not like they seat her that far away.
8:28pm - Freida Pinto introduces the trailer for Midnight in Paris.
8:31pm - The commercial for Ricky Gervais' travel show An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List actually looks quite amusing.
8:32pm - Jeremy Irons and Edith somebody (the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association) give a useless speech about something.
8:33pm - Jake Gyllenhaal introduces the trailer for My Week With Marilyn.
8:34pm - Ricky re: speech length: "You don't need to thank everyone you've ever met or members of your family who have done nothing."
8:35pm - Melissa McCarthy and Paula Patton (in bright yellow, smiling obsessively) present Best Actor in a TV Series - Drama to Kelsey Grammer for Boss. From the couch: "He looks like hell because Camille is bleeding him dry!" True story. Aaaand he thanks his flight attendant wife, while a thought bubble appears over her head: "Thank you, Suckerrrrr!"
8:38pm - Melissa and Paula present Best TV Series - Drama to Homeland. The couch concludes that Paula Patton either (a) took something or (b) had double digit orgasms prior to walking the red carpet, because no one wearing a hideous Big Bird yellow dress like that should be smiling that much.
8:44pm - Jimmy Fallon and Adam Levine banter about what, specific, moves like Jagger are actually at stake in Maroon 5's song. They present the award for Best Original Score - Motion Picture to Ludovic Bource for The Artist. He thanks someone named Bob, which, with his French accent, sounds hysterical.
8:48pm - Adam and Jimmy present the award for Best Original Song - Motion Picture to Madonna, Jimmy Harry, and Julie Frost for "Masterpiece." From the couch: "That's a quadriboob." It just looks massively uncomfortable :(
8:51pm - From the couch: "Elton John looks like a pug."
8:52pm - A Turkish film star says something to the effect of "I watch the Golden Globes at home. Peace."
8:57pm - Debra Messing and Katharine McPhee present Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie to Idris Elba for Luther. From the couch: "So excited to hear his British accent!" Oh wow... it's scrappier than I imagined. He's wearing sequined sneakers, and I freaking love it.
8:59pm - Brad Pitt and his cane introduce the trailer for Ides of March.
9:01pm - Seth Rogen and Kate Beckinsale present Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical to Michelle Williams for My Week With Marilyn. She thanks her daughter, sweetly. We love her so so much on this couch :)
9:07pm - Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar present Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie to Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones. Dammit. I mea, Yay! for him as a Little Actor, but I still wanted Eric Stonestreet for the aforementioned (selfish, vicarious) reasons. Incidentally, Jesse Tyler Ferguson held up a sign that said "Whatever..." when they panned to Eric. They're funny in real life too :)
9:11pm - Ricky: "You're so much better than last year's audience! They had a right stick up their arse."
9:12pm - "Georgie O'Cloonoo" (per Ricky) strolls onstage with Brad's cane to introduce the trailer for Moneyball.
9:13pm - Jessica Alba and Channing Tatum present Best Animated Feature Film to The Adventures of Tin Tin. From the couch: "Does anybody care?" "No." "No." "No." Also from the couch, as a clearly inebriated Paula Patton stood up, grinning, "OhmygodPaulasitDOWN."
9:21pm - Ewan McGregor congratulates Christopher Plummer ("Nice one, Pops.") and introduces the trailer for 50/50.
9:22pm - Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman present the award for Best Screenplay - Motion Picture to Woody Allen for Midnight In Paris. He's not there. Kidman awkwardly thanks the HFP and says "Come and get it, Woody!"
9:23pm - Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy sing a little ditty in harmony and present Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie to Jessica Lange for American Horror Story. That's a surprise, given that she was nominated against Sofia Vergara and Maggie Smith, both of whom I would have picked above her. Also, she's way too old to be wearing a backless dress.
9:26pm - From the couch: "Mary J is so bored."
9:31pm - Ricky introduces Madonna with a burn about (not) being like a virgin. She takes the stage and boldly goes off script, riffing: "If I'm still just like a virgin, Ricky, why don't you come over here and do something about it? I haven't kissed a girl in a few years... on TV." She presents Best Foreign Language Film to A Separation from Iran. From the couch: "Is she wearing a glove?" "Yes. She's Madonna."
9:33pm - From the couch: "Paula Patton is... still crazy."
9:34pm - Dustin Hoffman presents Best Actress in a TV Series - Drama to Claire Danes for Homeland. Typed that one early, even without seeing it. I've heard great things. I hope she never has to cry on that show, though, cause we all know that's not pretty. She thanks her parents and hubby Hugh Dancy. Hehe! His last name is Dancy.
9:42pm - Emily Blunt, striking in sparkly golden yellow introduces the trailer for Bridesmaids.
9:43pm - Tina Fey (maroon, mermaid, fluffy, pretty) and Jane Lynch present Best Actor in a TV Series - Comedy or Musical to Matt LeBlanc for Episodes. Holler, Newton North Tiger Alum!! The couch highly enjoys that he's wearing a blue tux.
9:46pm - Bradley Cooper (From the couch: "Do you think he's gay?" "Why, cause Renee Zellweger only dates the gays?") presents Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy to Octavia Spencer for The Help. She quotes MLK, saying, "All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance."
9:54pm - Reese Witherspoon introduces the trailer for The Descendants.
9:55pm - Sidney Poitier (from the couch: "Ohhh, Paula!! Put your mouth away!!") presents the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Morgan Freeman. From the couch, after it took him 30 seconds to say "Morgan... Freeman...": "Oh God. This is going to take half an hour. Spit it out, Sidney!!"
9:58pm - Helen Mirren (in a deep v-neck navy gown) comes on to introduce the clips of Morgan Freeman's movies. The clip from The Electric Company is the best, obvi.
10:03pm - Morgan Freeman (is... also wearing a glove, hmm) acknowledges Helen and Sidney, and gives a speech. From the couch, in a guilty whisper: "I find this part of the show really boring."
10:06pm - From the couch: "Where's Ricky Gervais?" "I knowww, I don't think there's enough of him."
10:11pm - Robert Downey Jr. (in tails!) introduces the trailer for The Artist.
10:12pm - Angelina Jolie presents Best Director - Motion Picture to Martin Scorsese for Hugo. Apparently he made it because his 12-year-old daughter read the book and he wanted to make a movie she could see.
10:16pm - Ricky's back. He's not as funny this year.
10:17pm - Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek present the award for Best TV Series - Comedy or Musical to Modern Family! Yayyyy! I typed it early too. The kids are adorable running up to the stage :) Sofia Vergara and the executive producer accept in Spanish and English. He purposely misinterprets her words in a funny way. Leurve.
10:23pm - Michelle Pfeiffer (also in navy... trend alert) introduces the trailer for War Horse.
10:25pm - Jessica Biel and Mark Wahlberg (From the couch: "she looks like corpse bride! And whatever's around her boobs looks like a used condom!") present the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy to Jean DuJardin for The Artist.
10:32pm - Queen Latifah introduces the trailer for The Help.
10:33pm - Ricky's lost his jacket. "It's so good having a job where you get drunk and say what you want and they still pay you." Calls Colin Firth racist and a kitten-puncher.
10:34pm - I love Colin Firth. He presents the Best Actress for a Motion Picture - Drama award to Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady. The entire room is on their feet within seconds. Sad that Viola Davis and her fabulous new haircut and beautiful dress didn't get to take the stage. Also, I was kinda digging Tilda's hair this year. Meryl adorably forgets her glasses and says "Oh dear, I'm going to have to remember my speech." Like she has trouble remembering lines. Puhlease. She goes on and on about all the marvelous women in roles this year and rambles a bit... Let's still be friends, though.
10:39pm - Jane Fonda, in a leopard print cut out black dress, presents the award for Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical to The Artist. The dog gets to come onstage!! I love it!!! He's such a scene stealer :)
10:47pm - Natalie Portman, having regained her pre-baby figure, presents the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama to George Clooney for The Descendants. Clooney takes the first minutes of his speech to congratulate Brad Pitt on being Brad Pitt. Then he makes a penis joke to Michael Fassbender. Classy :)
10:54pm - Harrison Ford and his cheesy earring present the award for Best Motion Picture - Drama to The Descendants. I don't understand the appeal of this movie, folks, I really don't. It was not that good.
10:58pm - Ricky's back to close the show. He did tone it down this year, and as a result, he really wasn't that funny. Welp... at least we've got the Oscars next month!
****
I'd like to give a fashion shout out to everyone's favorite femme, Amber Heard, for a dress well worn:
We'll be starting the E! Red Carpet show in a few minutes, and I'll try to update/repost every 15 minutes or so! Stay tuned and enjoy!
5:50pm - From the couch: "I hate when the fashion people say 'Oh, she always looks so effortlessly beautiful.' They always look like it took tons of effort!" "Yeah, but not them. They put no effort in; their 5 stylists did."
5:58pm - Giuliana Rancic looks lovely in her high-collared Monique Collignon dress - double mastectomy be damned. Werk, girl.
6:01pm - Seacrest!Out! looks better with longer hair. Younger. Or maybe he just had another round of botox? Aaaaaand Ricky Gervais is wearing a maroon and black tuxedo. I don't hate it. I'm mostly excited for this year's round of insults from him! "I'm not gunning to ruin anybody's night," he says. Darn. In other news, I don't think I've ever seen his... wife? Who's with him?
6:04pm - First George Clooney sighting. Stacy Keebler, his leggy gf from Dancing With the Stars, is wearing red.
6:09pm - Giuliana's new number is less striking. Although it does open the conversation about implants? Discuss.
6:13pm - Chris Colfer!! Be my friend!! The back of Claire Danes' J Mendel dress is lovely, but from the couch: "Oh, put on a braaaa, Claire! At least a nipple guard..."
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| Uggie |
6:16pm - Aaaaand the dog from The Artist is wearing a bowtie and doing tricks on the red carpet. I'm in love.
6:23pm - Amanda Peet looks like a walking doily. Oof.
6:24pm - :::sigh::: Melissa McCarthy. You have the opportunity to represent for the big girls (especially now that JHud has left the club) and instead, you wear a forest green version of a burlap sack with some jewels at the neck. NOT a fan. Apparently it's Badgley Mishka - more like BAGlady Miss-ka.
6:25pm - Sarah Michelle Gellar is wearing a very pretty Monique Lhullier dress that her small child was allowed to draw all over. All jokes aside, I like it. :) From the couch: "It reminds me of that Mio water flavor stuff..." And she kept it simple with a ponytail up top.
6:28pm - Jessica Chastain's hair makes her look a little old. Wearing a form fitting pearl-studded white Givenchy gown, she cannot have eaten a thing today! Sheesh!
6:31pm - Sofia Vergara!!!! Dark navy mermaid Vera Wang gown, strapless, straight simple hair, gorgeous as always! The texture of her dress is varied and interesting and fits her slammin' body like a glove.
6:33pm - Shailene Woodley in sparkly, drapey Marchesa - a close look reveals an entirely sheer set of straps that hold up that delicate neckline.
6:34pm - Eric Stonestreet!!! I hope he wins. Mostly because if I could be a character on Modern Family, it would be Cam, so if he wins, it's as close as I'm ever going to get to winning a Golden Globe. Obvi.
6:37pm - Diane Lane in a liquid gold Reem Acra gown with soft curls and Josh Brolin.
6:40pm - Watching stars pose for the paparazzi and mags on the red carpet is actually kind of scary. They make the weirdest smile faces, and holding those poses for extended moments is a little wack.
6:42pm - Octavia Spencer doing better for the big girls (ahem, Melissa) in a lavendar, rouched Tadashi Shoji gown.
6:44pm - Freida Pinto herself is gorgeous, but I'm not the biggest fan of her teal, nubby, voluminous Prada.
6:48pm - Julie Bowen in a champagne Reem Acra looks very old Hollywood. "Tryin' to look like a girl," she says, while throwing mad biceps when Seacrest!Out! asks her to flex.
6:50pm - Rooney Mara in black (surprise) making the most of her very severe haircut. The gown is Nina Ricci, mermaid shaped with gauze and bands and very little room for oh, say, body fat. Anywhere. And Ryan Seacrest asks her about her nipple piercing. Classy, bud.6:52pm - C'est si bon! We've seen this Grey Goose commercial 5 times already. We get it. They get to drink at the GGs.
6:56pm - Lots of limo arrivals in quick succession - Charlize Theron in cream, Evan Rachel Wood with short sexy hair, and Jane Lynch in a simple black halter dress. Pretty pretty pretty!
7:02pm - Brangelina has just arrived, and he has a mullet and a cane. Ohhh, the things you can do when you're rich and attractive. From the couch: "Why couldn't he have just shaved?"
7:11pm - Charlize Théron is so freaking pretty. And tall. A true spokeslady, she's wearing a light, creamy rose Dior couture gown with a deep V and hip bow, and her touch-of-laryngitis is working for her. Cause, you know, she needed a touch more sex appeal. She's wearing a sparkly headband that adds to her golden glow. See what I did there? Eh? Eh?
7:12pm - Kate Beckinsale in a sparkly, embroidered mermaid number. And Salma Hayek with very fertile-looking hair and a Vegas-y Gucci dress that highlights her fantastic cleavage.
7:16pm - Heidi Klum, also in a light pink column gown, with massive turquoise jewelry. Seems that blush color, and mermaid hemlines, are the trend this year... along with overly active nipples. Huh.
7:18pm - Apparently Brad Pitt has a cane because he had a knee injury. I'm a jerk. Angie's in a pink and red gown that highlights her teeny waist and appears to be the cousin of Natalie Portman's GG dress from last year. One of the things I appreciate about her is her verrrry thinly veiled contempt for Seacrest!Out! I wonder from whence it stems - if it was a personal issue or just that he does very little to give back in the ways she seems to appreciate. He's effusive in his thanks to them for coming to speak to him; from the couch: "They're such big stars that he has to thank them!!!"
7:26pm - Michelle Williams in purple velvet cut-out Jason Wu and a cute headband in her pixie cut. The dress isn't my favorite, but she's one of those stars whose "thank you" seems genuine. I like her. Let's be friends!
7:29pm - Mila Kunis in black Dior. Kate Winslet in color-blocked black and white. Amber Riley rocking red! Natalie Portman in fuscia! Nicole Kidman in a gladiator/Cleopatra number! Paul Giamatti in a beard!
7:38pm - Diana Agron looks like a firebird in red laser-cut-outs. Lea Michele is also in cut-outs, but silver Marchesa this time. Her bronzer is poorly blended, tsk tsk.
7:40pm - Emma Stone in purple and fuscia Lanvin. She's another who seems fun and likable.7:41pm - Madonna in silver and green Reem Acra with a massive cross around her neck. Guess we're over Kabbalah?
7:43pm - Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum wearing a
7:44pm - Jessica Beal in blush-colored lace, Jessica Alba in lavendar, Maya Rudolph in black - with pockets!
7:53pm - Jodie Foster in a teal structured strapless with some ruffles down the front - from the couch: "Ever since she supported Mel, I'm totally over her."7:54pm - Elle McPherson looks beautiful in Zac Posen with a mane of blond hair - sadly sun-spotted skin, though :( Shame.
8:00pm - Ricky Gervais!!!! "Nervous? Don't be. This isn't about you." Love him.
8:11pm - Johnny Depp with a dangling pocket watch that he appears to be wearing like a chain wallet (oof) debuts a ridiculous accent a la Madonna pretending to be British. "Have you seen The Tourist yet?" asks Ricky. A trailer for Hugo plays. I'm still unclear as to why we need to see full trailers at all these awards shows - it wastes so much time!
8:17pm - Ashton Kutcher and Elle McPherson present Best Actress in a TV Series - Comedy or Musical to Laura Dern for Enlightened. Wearing a bedazzled emerald long-sleeved sheath, she accepts in a plaintive, whiny voice. Shmeh.
8:21pm - Julianne Moore and Rob Lowe (looking extremely orange, yet with fabulous hair) introduce this year's Miss Golden Globe, Andie McDowell's daughter. They present Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Downton Abbey!!! Typed that ahead of time too - BAM. Julian Fellowes accepts in a very British way. Well played, my lord.
8:28pm - Freida Pinto introduces the trailer for Midnight in Paris.
8:31pm - The commercial for Ricky Gervais' travel show An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List actually looks quite amusing.
8:32pm - Jeremy Irons and Edith somebody (the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association) give a useless speech about something.
8:33pm - Jake Gyllenhaal introduces the trailer for My Week With Marilyn.
8:34pm - Ricky re: speech length: "You don't need to thank everyone you've ever met or members of your family who have done nothing."
8:38pm - Melissa and Paula present Best TV Series - Drama to Homeland. The couch concludes that Paula Patton either (a) took something or (b) had double digit orgasms prior to walking the red carpet, because no one wearing a hideous Big Bird yellow dress like that should be smiling that much.
8:44pm - Jimmy Fallon and Adam Levine banter about what, specific, moves like Jagger are actually at stake in Maroon 5's song. They present the award for Best Original Score - Motion Picture to Ludovic Bource for The Artist. He thanks someone named Bob, which, with his French accent, sounds hysterical.
8:51pm - From the couch: "Elton John looks like a pug."
8:52pm - A Turkish film star says something to the effect of "I watch the Golden Globes at home. Peace."
8:57pm - Debra Messing and Katharine McPhee present Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie to Idris Elba for Luther. From the couch: "So excited to hear his British accent!" Oh wow... it's scrappier than I imagined. He's wearing sequined sneakers, and I freaking love it.8:59pm - Brad Pitt and his cane introduce the trailer for Ides of March.
9:11pm - Ricky: "You're so much better than last year's audience! They had a right stick up their arse."
9:12pm - "Georgie O'Cloonoo" (per Ricky) strolls onstage with Brad's cane to introduce the trailer for Moneyball.
9:21pm - Ewan McGregor congratulates Christopher Plummer ("Nice one, Pops.") and introduces the trailer for 50/50.
9:22pm - Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman present the award for Best Screenplay - Motion Picture to Woody Allen for Midnight In Paris. He's not there. Kidman awkwardly thanks the HFP and says "Come and get it, Woody!"
9:26pm - From the couch: "Mary J is so bored."
9:31pm - Ricky introduces Madonna with a burn about (not) being like a virgin. She takes the stage and boldly goes off script, riffing: "If I'm still just like a virgin, Ricky, why don't you come over here and do something about it? I haven't kissed a girl in a few years... on TV." She presents Best Foreign Language Film to A Separation from Iran. From the couch: "Is she wearing a glove?" "Yes. She's Madonna."9:33pm - From the couch: "Paula Patton is... still crazy."
9:34pm - Dustin Hoffman presents Best Actress in a TV Series - Drama to Claire Danes for Homeland. Typed that one early, even without seeing it. I've heard great things. I hope she never has to cry on that show, though, cause we all know that's not pretty. She thanks her parents and hubby Hugh Dancy. Hehe! His last name is Dancy.
9:42pm - Emily Blunt, striking in sparkly golden yellow introduces the trailer for Bridesmaids.
9:43pm - Tina Fey (maroon, mermaid, fluffy, pretty) and Jane Lynch present Best Actor in a TV Series - Comedy or Musical to Matt LeBlanc for Episodes. Holler, Newton North Tiger Alum!! The couch highly enjoys that he's wearing a blue tux.9:46pm - Bradley Cooper (From the couch: "Do you think he's gay?" "Why, cause Renee Zellweger only dates the gays?") presents Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy to Octavia Spencer for The Help. She quotes MLK, saying, "All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance."
9:54pm - Reese Witherspoon introduces the trailer for The Descendants.9:55pm - Sidney Poitier (from the couch: "Ohhh, Paula!! Put your mouth away!!") presents the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Morgan Freeman. From the couch, after it took him 30 seconds to say "Morgan... Freeman...": "Oh God. This is going to take half an hour. Spit it out, Sidney!!"
9:58pm - Helen Mirren (in a deep v-neck navy gown) comes on to introduce the clips of Morgan Freeman's movies. The clip from The Electric Company is the best, obvi.
10:03pm - Morgan Freeman (is... also wearing a glove, hmm) acknowledges Helen and Sidney, and gives a speech. From the couch, in a guilty whisper: "I find this part of the show really boring."
10:06pm - From the couch: "Where's Ricky Gervais?" "I knowww, I don't think there's enough of him."
10:11pm - Robert Downey Jr. (in tails!) introduces the trailer for The Artist.
10:12pm - Angelina Jolie presents Best Director - Motion Picture to Martin Scorsese for Hugo. Apparently he made it because his 12-year-old daughter read the book and he wanted to make a movie she could see.10:16pm - Ricky's back. He's not as funny this year.
10:17pm - Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek present the award for Best TV Series - Comedy or Musical to Modern Family! Yayyyy! I typed it early too. The kids are adorable running up to the stage :) Sofia Vergara and the executive producer accept in Spanish and English. He purposely misinterprets her words in a funny way. Leurve.
10:23pm - Michelle Pfeiffer (also in navy... trend alert) introduces the trailer for War Horse.10:25pm - Jessica Biel and Mark Wahlberg (From the couch: "she looks like corpse bride! And whatever's around her boobs looks like a used condom!") present the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy to Jean DuJardin for The Artist.
10:32pm - Queen Latifah introduces the trailer for The Help.10:33pm - Ricky's lost his jacket. "It's so good having a job where you get drunk and say what you want and they still pay you." Calls Colin Firth racist and a kitten-puncher.
10:34pm - I love Colin Firth. He presents the Best Actress for a Motion Picture - Drama award to Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady. The entire room is on their feet within seconds. Sad that Viola Davis and her fabulous new haircut and beautiful dress didn't get to take the stage. Also, I was kinda digging Tilda's hair this year. Meryl adorably forgets her glasses and says "Oh dear, I'm going to have to remember my speech." Like she has trouble remembering lines. Puhlease. She goes on and on about all the marvelous women in roles this year and rambles a bit... Let's still be friends, though.
10:47pm - Natalie Portman, having regained her pre-baby figure, presents the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama to George Clooney for The Descendants. Clooney takes the first minutes of his speech to congratulate Brad Pitt on being Brad Pitt. Then he makes a penis joke to Michael Fassbender. Classy :)
10:54pm - Harrison Ford and his cheesy earring present the award for Best Motion Picture - Drama to The Descendants. I don't understand the appeal of this movie, folks, I really don't. It was not that good.
10:58pm - Ricky's back to close the show. He did tone it down this year, and as a result, he really wasn't that funny. Welp... at least we've got the Oscars next month!
****
2 comments:
I'm heading for the good tv! P.S. What is chizing? That's my word verification -- it sounds scary.
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