RED CARPET
- Sharon Stone raided the Black Swan costume closet, to great effect! She looks stunning, and aloof.- Melissa Leo, I love ya, but you cannot wear one of Liberace's jackets to the Oscars.
- Helena Bonham-Carter was apparently not allowed to dress herself this time around, looking comparatively demure in a black corsety 1880s inspired getup.
- CÉLINE DION!! Oh my god my heart will go on. She's wearing the Coeur de la Mer and her post baby bod looks SLAMMIN. Seacrest, she's going back to Vegas, you say? Sign me up. Immediatement.
- Penélope Cruz and her baby boobs and Sandra Bullock (in Vera Wang) arrive in quick succession, also wearing scarlet. Another trend, I see.
- Halle Berry in Hilary's dress, just a different color and with some fluffy bits. Yet another trend. It's Marchesa, and she looks super pretty.
- A collective gasp as we see Reese Witherspoon flirtatiously waving from her limo - "Come out! Come out!" we cluck. Love her. Aaaand she's out of the limo and we don't like the dress or the hairpiece. Tsk tsk.
- Nicole Kidman in an unflattering envelope kimono contraption. Nope.
- A head-to-toe shot of Penélope reveals her to have a bit of a firebird theme going on. I am picking up what you're throwing down, hot mama.
- Scarlet Johansson in merlot lace-cutouts.
- Mila Kunis in lavendar lace-cutouts.
- Robert Downey, Jr. From the couch: "He should send Charlie Sheen a thank you note, cause he just made RDJ's life look like nothin'."
- Mark Wahlberg and his pretty wife, then Michelle Williams, whose dress looks like it has miniature nipples all over it.
- Anne Hathaway, also in scarlet, strapless, with a flared train. Yes, let's start combining trends :)
- Cate Blanchett in questionable Givenchy - from the couch: "I like it in the wide shot, but not up close." Word. She, however, is gorgeous.
- Finally, Natalie Portman shows up. Also in merlot Rodarte with a deep v-neck and draping over her baby bump, she looks glowy and pretty as usual. (From another camera, it's looking more plum than merlot...) Lots of couch debate on when she's due, although we concede that it's difficult to tell "...because she started at 8 pounds."
- It's 8:00 and we just realized that the show itself doesn't start til 8:30. Seriously?!
- Jennifer Hudson in (surprise!) scarlet, looking va-va-voom. From the couch: "I can't believe how much weight she's lost!" "I know. I think she's probably very hungry."
- Fun (?) facts from the carpet: Justin Timberlake says it takes an hour to walk from the end of the carpet to the entrance of the theater, and Sandra says she hasn't worked a day in a year and a half.
- Apparently Gwyneth is performing tonight. I see she is continuing her tour of world domination.
- ABC is giving us a little backstage tour, and I don't really care. C'mon, let's get on with it already!
They heard me, and answered.
THE CEREMONY
8:30 - We begin with our first montage! Clips from every nominated film for Best Picture.
8:31 - Anne and James infiltrate a scene from Inception. It's marginally funny, but she's already overacting and ... op! Alec Baldwin! Seems like we're going to be going with the premise that the entire show is one of his dreams. Now we're in The Social Network, The Fighter (and no, Anne, you can't do a Boston accent.), True Grit (James is in a bear suit and Anne has two eyepatches). Morgan Freeman: "Alex likes me to narrate his dreams." We continue through the rest of the Top 10, with The King's Speech and "The Dance of the Brown Duck" flopping through Natalie's studio in Black Swan. Now they're in a Delorian, and they're onstage!
8:41 - We are watching a movie from 1939. Gone With the Wind. 1939. Seriously?!
8:42 - Anne introduces Tom Hanks by screaming into her microphone, and I like her less, if possible.
8:44 - He somehow ties in the aforementioned irrelevant clip, and presents the Oscar for Best Art Direction to Alice in Wonderland. I care not. Marginally cute that he put a Mad Hatter hat on his statuette.
8:46 - Tom gives the Oscar for Best Cinematography to Wally Pfizter for Inception.
8:51 - Kirk Douglas canes his way out and manages to make a joke! "James! It's much better out of the cave!" As he flails a bit, from the couch: "Who thought this was going to be a good idea?" and "He sounds like the giant in The Princess Bride."
8:58 - Kirky's taking forever, but at least now the stalling is a joke. Best Supporting Actress goes to Melissa Leo for The Fighter. "Wow. Mine?" She proceeds to give a gap-filled, bleeped-out speech that includes comments about how many people who matter to her are not there. I loved her and voted for her on my ballot, but damn, this is awkward.
9:01 - Justin Timberlake says "I'm Banksy." Funny :) Mila Kunis isn't so funny. "No, you're not, Justin." Pulls up an "app" for a better backdrop for the Best Animated Short montage.
9:03 - The Oscar for Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing. From the couch: "He needs a passport to get to the stage from where he's sitting." It's funny cause he's short too. And Australian.
9:05 - Best Animated Feature Film montage.
9:06 - The Oscar for Best Animated Feature Film goes to Toy Story 3. Good speech! Humble and well-put.
9:12 -Anne reminisces about the first Oscars, in 1929. Introduces Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin.
9:13 - Wearing white tux tops, the two men introduce Best Adapted Screenplay, which goes to Aaron Sorkin for The Social Network. Well-spoken, but overly long speech. Then again, the screenplay was wordy too, so what did we expect?
9:17 - Montage for Best Original Screenplay, which goes to David Seidler for The King's Speech. "My father always said to be I would be a late bloomer. I believe I'm the oldest person to win this particular award."
9:23 - Anne Hathaway, in a girl-tux (hot!), sparkly shoes, and a ponytail, sings "On My Own ...cause someone's a Huuugh Jackass." Homegirl's got a nice voice, I grant you that, but... it's upstaged by
9:26 - Helen Mirren presents in French. Russell Brand translates into Ali G speak. "Yo! My Oscar-winning performance as a Queen was much more convincing than Colin Firth's as a King." Best Foreign Language Film goes to In a Better World, from Denmark.
9:29 - Reese and her fake hair introduce the montage for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Jeremy Renner appears to have brought his mother! Take a cue from Ben Affleck, buddy? Cute :)
9:32 - Christian Bale takes it home for his amazing performance in The Fighter. Dickie Eklund stands up! Gets a plug for his website... did I hear a "Boooo"? Hmm.
9:38 - Studio execs discuss the relationship between ABC and the Oscar Broadcast. It's continuing. Thank god.
9:39 - Anne, in a new dress (strapless, black/white, feathery motifs) introduces Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. I wonder if they ever get tired of having to do things together purely because they're both Australian. What if they didn't like each other? What then?! I've clearly not been paying attention through the montage about sound, because now an orchestra is playing famous movie themes on stage, and I don't know how they got there.
9:42 - The Oscar for Best Original Score goes to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. I typed that before they said it. BAM.
9:48 - The Oscar for Best Achievement in Sound Editing goes to Richard King for Inception.
9:54 - Marisa Tomei in a blahbidyblah navy number recaps the technical awards, which she presented in a separate ceremony a couple weeks ago. From the couch: "Yup, there's a reason these don't make it into the broadcast." James: "Congratulations, Nerds."
9:58 - Best Costume Design goes to Alice and Wonderland. Typed that one early too. BAM. Questionable mesh gloves for a costume designer, no? Also... her face doesn't move. From the couch:
"That was painful."
"Yeah, well she wasn't nominated for writing."
"You've seen 'Project Runway.' Fashion people can have more oomph!"
10:00 - Favorite Oscar Song montage. Actually, I really like this :) And not just because Céline got a nod.
10:02 - Kevin Spacey introduces the first of the live performances of the nominated songs.
10:03 - Randy Newman performs "We Belong Together," from Toy Story 3. I wonder if I'm wrong in assuming that this is when a lot of stars make a run to the loo.
10:04 - Kevin intros the next song, and thinks to himself, "I thought I was better than this."
10:11 - James intros Jake Gyllenhaal and Amy Adams. She's wearing a sparkly navy number that looks like a sapphire version of the ruby slippers material. He looks dashing as usual.
10:12 - Jake: "Shorts are the hardest category to pick on your home-Oscar-ballot." True story. "Make an effort to see them. It might just make you a winner."
10:13 - Best Documentary Short goes to Strangers No More - ironically, I picked this for my ballot, thinking, "I like friends. I'd like to not be strangers."
10:14 - Best Live Action Short goes to God of Love. I picked Nawewe, because it's called Nawewe. :::sigh::: "Shoulda gotten a haircut," quips the Jewfro-sporting dweeb who accepts. He continues to be funny, to our general enjoyment.
10:17 - New dress for Anne. It is sparkly, silvery, and has fringe. In a funny "every movie was actually a movie-musical" montage, we remix scenes from Harry Potter 7.1, Toy Story 3, The Social Network, Twilight: Eclipse. From the couch: "They're auto-tuning Harry Potter."
10:19 - Oprah Winfrey (will the Oscars be on OWN next year? O is for Oscar!) introduces the documentaries.
10:22 - Best Documentary Feature goes to Inside Job. Little political statement about financial executives not going to jail, then back to speeching. Very nice.
10:26 - Gotta say, Anne's hair looks great. And she brings out Billy Crystal!! Such love. He gets a standing ovation. And in his tribute to Bob Hope's 18 years of hosting this show, he's way funnier than anything we've seen tonight... like, by a lot.
10:30 - Bob Hope is also funnier than other things tonight. And he's now dead.
10:31 - Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law (where have you been?) present (funnily, but I'm starting to get too tired to type it out as to how) Best Visual Effects to Inception. 10:34 - Best Film Editing goes to The Social Network.
10:40 - Best dress yet for Anne - dark red, strapless, with beautiful piping designs.
10:41 - Jennifer Hudson (skinny minnie!) introduces Florence Welch (in gorgeous orange!) and ... someone. They sing "If I Rise," from 127 Hours.
10:43 - Gwyneth Paltrow performs "Coming Home" from Country Strong. She sounds nervous, in her new dress, which is one-shouldered, tan, and sparkly. She finished and looked pissed (rightfully so).
10:46 - Best Original Song goes to Randy Newman for "We Belong Together." He's funny! Self-deprecating. Jovial. Sarcastic. Love it.
10:51 - BEST MODERN FAMILY COMMERCIAL EVER.
10:52 - The orchestra is back. Céline! In a new (boring) tan, strapless dress. Singing "Smile" for the In Memoriam section. Tony Curtis. Jill Clayburgh. Pete Postlethwaite. Lena Horne.
11:01 - We're in the homestretch. Anne, in latex-looking blue monstrosity, thanks Céline and Halle and intros Hilary Swank.
11:02 -Katherine Bigelow, wearing a horror she found in the Star Trek dumpster, presents Best Director to Tom Hooper for The King's Speech. He, in addition to Colin Firth in his GG speech, references their "Triangle of Man Love." Those Brits. They're so sassy. Beautiful thank you to his mum, who apparently found the story!
11:05 - James intros Annette Bening, who is wearing a godawful mess of a sparkly dress.
11:06 - Annette narrates the montage for the random tribute awards that happened another night. Kevin Brownlow, Francis Ford Coppola, and Eli Wallach appear onstage to get their applause in person.
11:11 - Anne cannot stop "whoop!"ing into her microphone. Arrrrgh. Jeff Bridges presents Best Actress in a Leading Role, but first gives lovely thoughts to each lady one by one (Annette Bening, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams).
11:19 - Is it bad that I'm hoping that Anne falls down because of this awful blue dress? Rachel Zoe, are you to blame for this?!
11:20 - Sandra Bullock introduces the Best Actor montage with individual statements to each nominee, starting with "Javier. Hola. In... No Country For Old Men, you managed to scare an entire nation... with a haircut." Jeff Bridges. "Jeff. Dude, dude. You won this award last year." (I have to say, I really want to be friends with Sandra Bullock. She seems awesome.) Jesse Eisenberg. He really was so good. Colin Firth. We question the clip-pickers. James Franco. From the couch: "I think he took tranquilizers." From Sandra: "You are the number one reason children get picked up late from school because their mothers are watching you on General Hospital."
11:25 - Best Actor goes to Colin Firth for The King's Speech. "I have a feeling my career's just peaked." He's wicked funny, self-deprecating, humble, and just adorbs.
11:30 - Aaand we're running over.
11:31 - Anne, why do you have to keep wearing ugly dresses? And again with the "whoop"ing!
11:32 - Steven Spielberg gets played on to the theme from Jurassic Park. Hmm. He introduces the clips from the Best Picture nominees. They're all set to the final speech from The King's Speech. I bet whoever made that call is seriously hoping it wins... and whaddaya know,
11:35 - Best Picture goes to The King's Speech. Good, but not my favorite. :::sigh:::
11:38 - The 5th Grade Chorus from PS 22 in Staten Island come on to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." From the couch: "I love that their singing part is written on their shirt." All the winners descend to stand among them. Here's betting the kid with Natalie is way happier than the kid with the Sound dude.
And on that joyful note, it's overrrrrrr!
*For my hostess' recap, go here.
