12:02 Steve Martin: "The show has taken so long that Avatar now officially takes place in the past." And it's overrrrr! 
11:58 Tom Hanks (!) gives Best Picture to The Hurt Locker. My jaw drops. I really thought this was going to Avatar. From the couch: "I really appreciate that they are actually shocked!" Wow. From the couch: "I wish she ended with na-na-na-poo-poo!"11:55 Best Director goes to Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker. The time has indeed come -- she's the first female EVER to win this award. "There's no other way to describe it. It's the moment of a lifetime."
11:48 The Oscar for Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role goes to Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side!!!! AHHHH!!! "Did I really earn this, or did I just wear y'all down?" She gives sweet praise to her fellow nominees and is funny, and then so eloquent about her mom -- and her lover, Meryl Streep (they kissed at an earlier awards show this year). Great speech, Sandy.
11:47 Sean Penn (forgot he won last year!) reveals that he's not a member of the Academy! Weird.
11:45 Stanley Tuccinator talks about Meryl. She's the most acclaimed actress of all time, wearing the moniker with grace and humility. She's also a good friend. He has spearheaded a movement in the Academy to cap the number of nominations per actor because she's selfish :) 11:44 OPRAH talks about Gabourey Sidibe. She skipped school to go to the audition, apparently. Girlfriend is crying in her special chair, and Oprah goes on to call her radiant, fun, and Cinderella-esque.
11:43 Peter Saarsgaard talks about Carey Mulligan and her depth, grace, and intelligence. Sweet.
11:41 Whoosit British Man talks about Helen Mirren and her weird hotness, even as The Queen, her spiderweb tattoo, and her talent and courage.
11:40 Oprah is onstage, lookin' fab. From the couch: "Oh god. She's definitely gonna say the 'based on the novel bullshit... Fo' Sho'."
11:39 Best Actress montage.
11:35 The glorious Kate Winslet comes onstage to present the award for Best Performance by an Actor to Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart. Standing O! He promptly gives a giggly, heartfelt speech, referencing his family, acting lineage, and peers/coworkers -- including "Bobby" Duvall. Wow. He just seems like such a happy, happy man. :)
11:30 Colin Farrell talks about Jeremy Renner, sharing a pillow on a mostly-forgotten jaunt to Mexico, and his kindness, character, and honest ability.
11:28 Tim Robbins speaks about Morgan Freeman's advice on the set of Shawshank: "Being a friend is getting the other guy a cup of coffee. Can you do that for me, Ted?" He salutes his dignity and integrity, and is proud to call him his friend... when he takes the call, that is.
11:28 Julianne Moore talks about Colin Firth's ease, charm, humor, and generosity; although they had just met, "It wasn't hard for me to believe that I had known and loved him all of my life."
11:26 Vera Farmiga talks about George Clooney's charm and, um, eye-crinkle. She calls him a fantastically fantastic Mr. Foxy Fox. From the couch: "Oh they toooootally did it." "She's doing a terrible job." Word to both, ladies.
11:24 Michelle Pfeiffer talks about Jeff Bridges' attention to detail and lack of vanity. He tears up as she talks about his ability to balance work and family. Sweet.
11:23 Clips from all the Best Actor nominees indicate that we have reached that portion of the evening. Costars take the stage, ostensibly to say nice things about them.
11:18 Kathy Bates introduces the clip for Avatar.
11:16 Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino present Best Foreign Language Film to El Secreto De Sus Ojos (The Secret In Their Eyes).
11:09 Keanu Reeves introduces the clip for The Hurt Locker.
11:08 Tyler "my name will never be said at the Oscars again" Perry presents Best Film Editing to The Hurt Locker. From the couch: "Ohhhh boy. Gloves! We got a special outfit coming up. I would like to do some editing right there."
11:04 Matt Damon presents Best Documentary Feature to The Cove. Has a happy -- entirely happy -- documentary EVER won?!
11:00 The preview for this week's episode of "Modern Family" makes me laugh out loud. Please watch this show.
10:56 Jason Bateman introduces the clip for Up In the Air.
10:56 The Couch counts at least 5 big categories to go in the remaining "60" minutes. Sheesh. From the couch: "This is where I like to play a game called 'How many hours until I have to get up?'"
10:53 Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper (hell, why doesn't John Mayer join 'em to make it a Jennifer Aniston ex-boyfriend trifecta?) come onstage to present Best Visual Effects to Avatar.
10:45 Jennifer Lopez and
10:38 Patrick Swayze. Michael Jackson. Natasha Richardson. Karl Malden. So sad.
10:35 Sandra presents Best Cinematography to Avatar.
10:35 "Ya done real good with the artsy part." From the couch: "Who writes this shit? What, are we on "Sixteen and Pregnant"?!"
10:34 Steve: "You loved her in The Blind Side, you thought she was just okay in Miss Congeniality 2... here's Sandra Bullock!"
10:29 John Travolta (possibly wearing jeans) introduces the clip for Inglourious Basterds.
10:28 Elizabeth Banks pretends that they're actually going to present the tech awards, but then settles for a group picture flashed on the screen. (Group sigh of relief.)
10:26 Best Sound Mixing goes to The Hurt Locker. Casper the sound editing ghost comes back onstage to accept.
10:26 From the couch: "I think [Jeremy Renner] has the look of a chainsmoker. You know? He just looks like the kind of d-bag that would always have a cigarette dangling from his mouth." and:
"I think it's rude that Brad Pitt didn't come when his movie is nominated."
"Well, it's a little hard to get a whole schoolbus full of kids down the red carpet."
10:24 Best Sound Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. From the couch: "Helloooooo you'veneverseenthesunnnnnn!"
10:22 Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick, with Morgan Freeman narrating, explain the sound editing process, which, unlike the montage just now, is actually helpful and relevant!
10:18 Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart (looking, as always, like she is about to vomit) introduce the horror film montage.
10:16 The conductor and musical director get some recognition. Apparently a tribute to horror films is coming up (do we really need to see this?!) and Alec and Steve spoof Paranormal Activity significantly better than Betty White did at the GGs. Steve apparently sleep-slaps.
10:14 An iPad commercial airs. From the couch: "All I can think of when I hear that is my period." "Yeah! Where was the marketing focus group when they were picking that product name?"
10:10 SJP and Tom Ford present Best Costume Design to The Young Victoria. Dressed atrociously, the winner states, "I already have two of these." From the couch: "I'd like to order her a side of humility, please? To go."
10:09 Steve: "And now to present best costume, two renowned clothes whores."
Alec: "-Ses. Clothes Horses."
Steve: "Okay, but I don't think the plural of 'whore' is 'whorses.'"
I'm not hating this double-hosting shindig.
10:05 Sigourney Weaver, in RED, presents Outstanding Art Direction to Avatar. "James Cameron, this Oscar sees you." Then a guy gets up and talks about how he was dying 5 years ago, and I can't mock them anymore.
10:01 Colin Firth presents the clip of An Education.
9:54 LaBa's there! She gets a standing O. That's always nice.
9:52 Steve Martin notes: "I've had the pleasure of working with our next presenter... and I'm not ashamed to say it was the highlight of her entire life."Indeed, Queen Latifah shows us the "highlights" (wwwwwould we call it that?) of the technical awards that happened a couple weeks ago -- and weren't televised for a REASON. I will say, Lauren Bacall seems like quite the firecracker. Let's be friends, LaBa.
9:50 Geoffrey Fletcher accepts. He speaks from the heart and breathes loudly into the microphone.
9:47 Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal present Best Adapted Screenplay to Precious.
9:43 Jeff Bridges introduces the clip of A Serious Man. 9:42 "After the award is presented, I will try to stand as far as possible from the winner so as not to demean their moment of triumph." Stiller pulls the fishing pole controlling his tail movement from backstage ("How far technology has come") and presents Best Make Up to: Star Trek.
9:37 BEN STILLER IS DRESSED AS AN AVATAR AND SPEAKING NA'VI. IT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. "This seemed like a better idea in rehearsal. It was between this and the Nazi uniform, but the show seemed a little Hitler-heavy... I should have worn my Spock ears, but that would have been too nerdy. This is much cooler."
9:33 Best Documentary Short goes to Music By Prudence. Some woman in a purple blanket interrupts the happy man accepting the award and starts speaking instead. That was aggressive. I didn't like that.
9:32 They finally present Best Animated Short Film to Logorama. Despite the aforementioned clip telling me that I should care, I don't care.
9:27 Both wearing shockingly ugly shoes, Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana (in a muppetlike purple monstrousity) first make us sit through a boring ass clip about making short films.
9:22 John Cryer, Ally Sheedy, McCaulay Culkin, Judd Nelson, and... someone else arrive onstage to honor John Hughes' family, who are seated in the balcony.
9:17 Molly Ringwald (pretty in purple!) and Matthew Broderick arrive onstage... and sure enough, it's a tribute to John Hughes! From the couch: "I heard they found a script of his that he hadn't made into a movie and they're considering making it..." Be still my heart. This montage makes me sad for his passing. All of these movies are freaking classics :) 9:12 Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. (wearing sneakers) talk about the relationship and conflicting desires of actors and writers, and present Best Original Screenplay to The Hurt Locker. Dedicates it to the troops and his late father. Sweet.
9:05 Chris Pine introduces the clip for District 9.
8:55 Cameron Diaz and Steve Carrell introduce a cute clip of the animated characters talking about getting nominated. They present Best Animated Feature Film to: Up. From the couch: "Those are some eeeeears."
8:50 Ryan Reynolds introduces The Blind Side clip. These clips better get shorter or we're gonna be here til tomorrow.8:48 Penelope Cruz (in maroon) presents Best Supporting Actor. After seeing his lengthy clip, Matt Damon says "It's like, the whole thing..." Valid, sir. Anyway, the first Oscar of the night goes to: Christoph Waltz, for Inglourious Basterds. "Oscar and Penelope, that's an über bingo."
8:42 "Who doesn't love Sandra Bullock?" "Well, tonight we might find out."
8:41 George Clooney gets the Death Glare from both men at once. Funny... but whattt?
8:37 "There's that damn Helen Mirren." "Steve, that's DAME Helen Mirren."
8:32 Neil Patrick Harris, wearing a glittery tux, sings "No one wants to do it alone" and is sooo cute! Some Vegas dancers join him and I start keeping an eye out for Travis Wall from "So You Think You Can Dance." What's up with the musical openers for the Oscars?
8:30 All the Best Actor/Actress nominees start the show onstage! Dramatic, and nice to see them all up there. They're escorted off by... their seat fillers? Hmm.
The Awards!
8:27 Okay. I'm ready.
8:25 At Taylor Lautner's appearance, I note: "He kind of has fangs..." and promptly from the couch, "He's a werewolf."
8:20 The men with the briefcase walk the red carpet! The votes are officially in, in case you were wondering if they were... out... still.
8:18 Whoopi Goldberg stars in a commercial about wetting her pants. Hmm.
8:12 Morgan Freeman chewing gum on the red carpet! Nooooo.
8:10 Helen Mirren (in her signature dress-with-gauzy-sleeves) (this year it's light purple) & Christopher Plummer (Eidelweiss, eh?) talk about
7:59 Cameron Diaz looks pretty, but old.
7:52 Kate Winslet is super pretty, but I gotta say I love her in deeper tones, not metallics... Ah well.
7:50 Sandra Bullock looks like an Oscar! Magenta lips, not great, but the dress is fab.
7:39 Gabourey Sidibe meets Keanu Reeves and Woody Harrelson on the red carpet. Weird. Then, she goes on to give her dress some press, saying "Widen the shot! Widen it! Get alllllll of this. Let me tell you something about this dress: If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot." Girrrl, you crack me up.
7:34 From the couch: Juliana's ta-tas are huuuge and they won't show her from the waist down. Her "am I pregnant?" episode of her reality show airs next Sunday, so the verdict is that she IS and they are trying not to spoil it. 7:32 Rachel McAdams looks really beautiful in a multi-colored, flowy strapless number.
7:31 Demi Moore -- looking gorgeous. Fluttery, salmony-skin-colored dress with a pretty interwoven bodice. From the couch: "Too fleshy." I'm a fan, though.
7:30 First Meryl sighting! She's wearing white... and a TON of diamonds! Dddddamn girl. It's been 28 years since she won...
7:25 Aw Matt Damon! Remember when he and Ben Affleck won for Good Will Hunting? Feels like yesterday. He's got some cute scruff going on and I'm liking it.
7:20 Charlize... ick. She's gorgeous - why wreck it with poorly placed rosettes? Just heard she broke up with longtime bf Stuart Townsend... Sad!
7:18 Stanley Tucci! The Tuccinator! He should have been nominated for Julie & Julia and not Lovely Bones.
7:15 Not a fan of SJP's dress... call me behind the times, but I'm not on board. And Ferris Bueller could invest in some non-graying hair and benefit.
7:13 Eew Miley Cyrus' mom has angel-wing tattoos that are heinous. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can take the trashy out of the girl.
The Red Carpet
7:10 I arrive at PopBopShopGirl's Oscar party and, all plugged in, here I am! I'll be blogging to you live all night, hoping to update every 15 minutes or so.
