The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Director: David Slade
Year: 2010
Rating: *

I did it again.  I went to see the latest Twilight movie.  "When will she learn?!" you may ask.  "Not yet, apparently!" I reply.  This series seriously gets more and more infuriating and ridiculous with each new release.  Again, you may be thinking, "But there are already werewolves and vampires and Mormons (oh my!)"  No, no, rest assured, the ridiculousness can and does continue in this latest cinematic travesty, Eclipse.

Bella Swan (still, inexplicably) sure knows how to get herself in one helluva pickle.  Edward the Vampire is still smitten, now apparently perfectly able to kiss her without craving her blood, and having progressed to proposing in the meadow -- you know, before they go back to class in HIGH SCHOOL.  Jacob the Werewolf has roided out grown up and nurtured his love for Bella as well, so the two have taken to having pissing contests over Kristen Stewart's partially-disguised sneer.  Victoria the Vengeful Vampire, however, has not forgotten that the Cullen Clan murdered her lover way back in the first movie, so she's raising an army of Newborns to come and kill Bella in return.  These new vampires are more powerful, but shatter like ice mannequins in death -- screw that whole "tear them limb from limb and let them burn" thing established so painstakingly in the first part of the 'Saga.'  The Vampire Senate (or whatever they're supposed to be), the Volturi, are inexplicably letting all this go on, uninhibited.  Forks is all a-flutter.

As always, there are some satisfying moments.  Nikki Reed (who's so bangin' as a brunette, I just don't get why they keep making her blond)... well anyway, her turn as a bloodthirsty, venomous bride was a thrilling way to tell us more about Rosalie, and Jasper's back story set the scene for the epic battle scene in present day Forks.  Billy Burke's wry delivery as Bella's dad, Charlie, again made me very happy, and it was refreshing to see some more of the Cullens all together.  Taylor Lautner showed just the right amount of a gleam in his eye when Jacob declared to Edward, "Well, I am hotter than you," and Edward asked of his endlessly naked rival, at exactly the moment I did, "Doesn't he own a shirt?"  The best line of the film, however, came from the audience.  As a vampire was emphatically beheaded, a peer loudly declared, "Aww! She deeead!  She deeead."

However.

The ridiculous values that you are simply pounded over the head with are out of this world... or maybe just somewhere in Utah.  When Bella tries to seduce Edward, he literally replies "No, we can't... It's too dangerous," and then, "I'm not worried about my virtue... I'm worried about yours."  Sure, drink her blood, nearly kill her, but noooo, don't take her precious virginity before marriage -- there's a LINE.  The werewolves don't even have genitalia, for chrissake, because the censors wouldn't allow it!  I just don't understand how it's okay to basically proselytize in this manner.

I'd like to meet this Stephanie Meyer.  I'd like to sit her down and have an honest discussion about what exactly she thinks she's doing when she tells a generation that it's okay -- no, preferable -- to have not one but TWO abusive men in their lives.  Where half of the rest of the audience was swooning -- literally, I could hear the sighs -- at Edward and Jacob's obsessive utterances, I found myself cringing in my seat.  In her created world, if a friend touches your lady, it's apparently okay to grab his face in your vice-like grip and tell him to keep his hands off.  Shit, the only way Bella can save her love is by cutting herself.  Edward literally disables Bella's car so she is unable to visit a friend, Jacob insists "you're in love with me, you just won't admit it" and refuses to stop his unwelcome pursuit, and states that he would prefer her dead than with Edward, who, mind you, is busy insisting that she is too fragile to do just about anything for herself.  He's not exactly the epitome of empathy, either.  When she frets about becoming a vampire and losing touch with her friends, he responds, "After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved."  Definitely marry him, hon.  That's a keeper, right there.  What are we teaching our women?  What are we teaching our men?!

I get that this is a huge guilty pleasure for many, hell, even a pleasure, full stop.  Go, if you must, but please don't let your own sense of reality be eclipsed by the utter ridiculous that is Bella's "fairytale."